Break down
by rawrsaysthedino
Summary: To James loving is something that shows vulnerability, but out of all that protections he has fallen for a certain blonde; though the blonde is certain to break it. Please read and review!
1. Breaking point

**So for my first story :) A Kames story of course. Its a short chapter...Summary: To James loving is something that shows vulnerability, and the fact that James is afraid to love because if he did that love will break him. So that's why he covers his heart with the selfish face, his impenetrable mask that none can cross. But out of all that protections he has fallen for a certain blonde; though the blonde is certain to break it.**

Break Down

"Hey, James," Kendall called from the couch. I had finally come home from my 'night jog' usually it didn't take this long. Truth is, I had actually been crying on the rooftop but I wouldn't tell a soul about the great James Diamond crying; I would rather die. I quickly rubbed my eyes in attempt to getting rid of the tears that kept flowing. Finally the tears stopped and the fake smile appeared as it plastered on my face. "Yeah it was a good run," I said luckily my voice didn't crack.

"Maybe I should join you sometime," Kendall offered as his eyes never turn away from the TV.

"Yeah maybe," I murmured as I drank some water to help clear my throat as I finally called out, "I'm going to bed."

"Kay," Kendall didn't turn around, "Good night."

"Night," I sighed lastly as I went to Kendall and my room, I quickly rush to the bathroom as I couldn't stop to contemplate myself in the mirror. It had soon become an endless burden, but I kept looking because it would make me laugh at myself to see how broken I had become in short number of days. But my smiled grew as I praised for the mask, I wore every day, that no one has figure out that I was so broken beyond repair.

How was this mask created? How it ruled my life? I has grown to love this mask, I made, even when times were hard I will never show pain, or sadness. I was strong, or at least that's what I told myself, with the face, I can conquer all. Well, that's what I thought till everything began to crumble under me… Maybe it's just me being all sensitive but the truth to the matter my world started to crumbled the day Kendall had finally broken up with Jo. For me, I wouldn't tell a soul but since Kendall had broken up with Jo I was in a happy mood. Happiness was an under reaction to what I was feeling. But now I'm low in the dumps to realize that I was falling for my best friend, and what's worse is that Kendall would hate me and our relationship would be broken just like I am right now.

I stumbled to my bed, burying my face to the pillow. One down side to the mask was the pain didn't go away; it only grew more and more till I couldn't stand it and I would eventually have a break down. I turn my head to glare at my desolate room reflected how my soul had become. It was so empty and bare when I took my mask off, and I absolutely hated it. That's why I wore the mask everywhere I went, so I didn't have to feel empty and dead inside.

I myself wanted to end things, but one thing I personally didn't want was people believing I was selfish. It would be selfish to leave my friends and family, so I would rather have been called insensitive than selfish. But I knew both describe me even though people didn't have the guts to tell me.

The door slowly creaked open as I heard soft patter of footsteps, Kendall was trying to be as quiet as he could be. I smiled as saw him tripping over his own foot and crash landing on the floor. This made me burst into laughter and it made Kendall groan in embarrassment. "I thought you were asleep."

"Well, n-now I'm awake," I finally stopped laughing at the blonde.

"I wish you were asleep," Kendall joked.

"W-Well I'm going to sleep," I pretended to yawn as I turned my back to him hiding the undesirable blush that appeared. Not even the mask could hide the few small cracks in my voice when I talked to that said blond or the unasked for blushes that keep appearing voluntarily. Soon the room turned quite as Kendall turned off the lights. I will quietly pray that this pain I was feeling and for the feelings for Kendall would be soon gone, and my life to get right back to the way it was, me not being this vulnerable.


	2. Melting point

Melting Point

_I gasped silently as I saw Kendall strut himself towards me. His bottled green eyes, which stared at the floor, showed mixtures of emotions; I couldn't read any of them..._

"_Hey," Kendall let the word fall of his lips._

"_H-Hi," I grew more nervous as the seconds past._

"_Can I tell you something?" Kendall paused as his shift eyes from his feet directly to my eyes. He seemed nervous, like me, but Kendall Knight is never nervous… I didn't know what to think, maybe Kendall felt the same, and hell if he did I was probably dreaming. No, I put on my mask, the only protection I had against him, but somehow it started to crumble…_

"_S-Sure," I said as I slightly regretting it, afraid what Kendall wanted to tell me. I felt his hands on the side of each shoulder, to make sure I listen. I saw his sly smile as he said the words, "I love you James." Those words were poison to me, spreading all over my body; making me feel the burning sensation that boiled my blood, that made my mind hurt, and that made my heart pound uncontrollably._

_Then I felt the burning sensation more, it brought even more poison in my body, as he laid his lips onto mine. I trembled as waves of pleasure moved through my body as if it was getting rid of all the poison. I felt myself kissing back as I tried to restrict to, as if all this was a cruel practical joke. Soon Kendall backed away as I felt the feeling of emptiness as his lips left mine._

"_So you love me back?" Kendall's olive green eyes were clouded with hope._

"…" _I stared at him, as I felt the poison returning. I had to get rid of it, and Kendall was the only way, "Yes…"_

_Beep! Beep! Beep!_

The noise of my alarm clock beeped, 6 o'clock; the time I always wake up. Why? To make myself presentable for Kendall and only Kendall, but somehow my body didn't force itself up. No, it laid there as if it broken or maybe it was; at least my heart is…

_Beep! Beep! Beep!_

Still nothing, not even a little, it seemed liked my body just stop working all together. Maybe it was just me, being the one who didn't deserve to live. Maybe this was all Kendall's fault… Yes, that's it. Kendall was the one who got me to become all weak and broken, and he was the one who tore down my impenetrable walls and into my heart…

_Beep! Beep! Beep!_

I heard shuffling at the bed beside mine; it was Kendall, "J-James?" This is my entire fault I should have turn off the alarm clock, but I didn't.

_Beep! Beep! Beep!_

"James, are you awake?" I just blink still lying there motionless.

_Beep! Beep! Beep!_

I heard more shuffling happen, and the exasperating sound of my alarm clock. I heard the rather dramatic sigh slipping from Kendall's lips as the patter of footsteps came closer.

"James!" Kendall whispered quite harshly, "Haven't you notice your alarm clock is ringing like crazy?" I nodded slightly noticing the dark circle under Kendall's olive green eyes. "So turn it off! Now!" I knew it wasn't a question, but more of an order, but I didn't obey, I just kept staring at him, as I almost got lost in his eyes. Almost…

_Beep! Beep! Beep!_

"When I mean now; I mean…" Kendall paused; I could see his eyes flaring with anger, "NOW!" I flinched as he screamed the words, and once more I defied him and his orders. Kendall growled as he fisted his fist, "Why do you even wake up at this unbearable time? Huh? Why the fuck would try to wake up at the time?"

"T-To look beautiful," I tried to put my mask on, to hopefully not to show the hurt, but unfortunately that failed.

_Beep! Beep! Beep!_

"For who? For everyone? Or what… you thought you being so ugly that you thought you can change that?" Kendall barked. Pain shot right to my heart as I felt my body trembled as I tried to get rid of the pain that flooded my body, but it only got worse. I just shut my eyes as I tried to sit up. I could feel Kendall's eyes on me making my body burn… in pain.

Somehow I stood up and somehow my legs moved. No… they started running as far as they could, taking me with them. I tried to watch where I was going but it was a blurred; the tears overflowed my eyes. I soon tumbled over my foot and tumbled to the ground. The soft padding of grass saved my landing, instantly I knew I was in the park, away from Kendall.

Pain still shot through me, why did it hurt so much? I hate this; I hate how vulnerable I am towards him. How did I become so inadequate, so defenseless and so exposed? I was supposed to be the great, the beautiful James, but right now at the moment I am a looser, a weakling, and I hate it. Purely hate it.

I soon composed myself enough to stand up and head back to 2J; being greeted by Logan and Carlos, no Kendall in sight. Good…

"Hey, James," Logan paused he soon turned concerned, "Why were you gone, and why do you look like a mess?"

"Yeah," I shrugged them off and headed to Kendall's and my room, not caring about seeing Kendall. Astonishing, Kendall wasn't there, but I did notice the lights of our bathroom on. I also notice the cursing coming from the bathroom, he still mad… at me.

_Beep! Beep! Beep!_

Kendall let the alarm clock keep beeping. Sigh, Kendall could at least of been kind enough to turn it off… but then again Kendall wasn't as nice as he seemed. I should know that… but I still love him though. And love for that matter hurts… like hell. Slowly reaching down I turned off the alarm clock like I should've of done hours ago…


	3. Too late

Too late

I sighed as the constant beeping of my alarm clock stopped. Since Kendall's anger didn't let him turn off the irritating device, so I should be the one to turn it. I was supposed to since I set the time for blasted contraption to start beeping like crazy. But now there was peace and quiet, "Oh, so you turned it off," Kendall's voice ranged through the room. Never mind for peace and quiet…

I stared at the floor, trying my best for the mask to show no emotion, no weakness, and especially no pain. I slowly turned away from Kendall, who was coming ever so close to me, and quickly run out of the desolate room, that at this moment, it was unbearable. Unluckily for me, I came to a worried Logan and Carlos and what was even more worse I could feel Kendall behind me.

"Wait, James," Kendall's voice sounded sincere, "I'm sorry about what I said." Somehow, that wasn't enough for me; I, at this point, wanted Kendall on his knees apologizing, but I knew that wouldn't happen. Not now, and not ever…

"James, are you okay?" Logan questioned, now realizing something was wrong. He was right, there was something wrong… That was me. I'm the one who's screwed up here.

"James, buddy, what's wrong?" Carlos being clueless asked.

"Kendall," I said softly, "Why?"

"James, you know how my temper is," Oh…I know how your anger is like. I'm just your broken up punching bag. "I didn't mean it," You did, you always mean it, no matter what. "Please forgive me." I won't, not this time…

"Kendall, what you did?" Logan stopped me form speaking, and for once I was glad.

"None of your business," Kendall paused, "My anger got to me and well I yelled at him. Nothing more," Oh… there was more, way more than that. But you didn't know that Kendall… Did you ever see me in pain, did you ever cared Kendall, and not just with self-pity but with love. _Did you ever Kendall cared?_ Those words ran through my mind, as I hear Kendall getting yelled by Carlos and Logan.

"You weren't there, you don't know what happened!" Kendall barked.

"But you still hurt James!" Carlos snapped back.

My friends were fighting because of me, and my ludicrous clock… This was senseless all this bickering for someone as broken as me. No, they had to stop, because if they don't then I'll be even more broken and with all this pain I caused them; "Stop," My sad attempt to be loud, as I spoken in a whisper, "Please, stop."

But they still heard me, since they stop the yelling and were looking directly at me. "P-Please stop fighting," My voice was cracking; my mask was cracking as I felt myself exposed and weak.

"W-Why are you guys even f-fighting for?" I questioned, "For m-me?" They nodded slowly as if they lost their voices, "B-But why?" They didn't answer. "B-Because if you n-notice, it's a waist a-a time to fight o-over me." My voice was cracking even more then I felt the most regrettable thing as it slide down my cheek. A tear… A tear, had just ruined me and my broken-up mask. _Oh no…_

"James, are you crying?" Kendall's eyes grew big, bigger than I ever seen. I couldn't stop the rush of tears flowing down my tears. I couldn't stop getting more hurt as they look at me with disbelief; that's why I ran, once more. But this time, I ended up in the hotels public bathroom.

I had to get rid of the pain; I had to get better for Kendall. But then, right there in the bathroom stall, I realized I wouldn't be perfect for Kendall. Because Kendall never loved me, never even cared… Did he try to care about someone so worthless, who was a lost cause? No… he wouldn't care. So that's when I finally decided that, since Kendall didn't care about me, why should I?

That's when I took out the razor, which I kept in pocket for emergency. This was an emergency… I slowly slid the razor onto my soft vulnerable skin. Letting the crimson blood slip out…


End file.
